Tag: Recovery

17 November 2018

I am an angry, motivated, law-abiding, respectful, concerned, afraid and protective father. I am doing what is necessary to protect my son and my relationship with him from Domestic Violence and Child Abuse perpetrated by my ex-wife and assisted in her endeavours by XXXXXXXXXXX Police officers and resources.

My name is XXXXXXXXXX and I live with my ex-wife XXXXXXXXXX and our 6yo son XXXXXXXXXXXX at XXXXXXXXX, XXXXXXXX. I am an advocate for male victims of domestic violence and their children. I am also chairman of a national advocacy body in a different field.

Around 14 years ago I voluntarily chose to attend a “male behavior change” course for perpetrators of domestic violence for my own education, to be a better parent, a better man and a better husband. I learned a great deal and have used these learnings since then. I have a long history of involvement with personal growth groups including the Men’s Wellbeing association, extensive unofficial training in psychology and am aware of the strengths and weaknesses of both women and men. I support victims of Domestic Violence regardless of gender and seek to assist behavior change in perpetrators of Domestic Violence regardless of gender. I write only on my own behalf and that of my son but seek to benefit others.

I am and remain a victim of over a decade of financial, emotional, spiritual, sexual and physical domestic violence. My son is and remains a victim of child abuse through neglect and parental alienation which has been occurring for most of his life. I intend to write a book about my experiences and have made contact with researchers and journalists as part of this process. I have discussed my situation with other concerned people and provided them with substantiating evidence.

Some have suggested they raise concerns through their political contacts, with child safety and/or their local police station. I will do everything I can to encourage a state government enquiry into the support available for male victims of domestic violence and I will seek to use my situation as a case study in both that enquiry and in academic research.

I will make this letter and any responses available to any and all concerned parties, post it publicly on advocacy websites, use it for fund-raising via GoFundMe, include it in my upcoming book and provide it to any public enquiry that might occur.

I consider it necessary to forgo my privacy to achieve justice and for the protection for myself and my son. I seek to prevent others being subjected to the same injustice. I accept the public embarrassment and humiliation that comes with being a man claiming to be a victim of domestic violence by a woman.

I will be seeking the court case currently initiated by your officer scheduled for 12 December 2018 in the XXXXXXXXXXXX Magistrates Court to be open for the public interest and for future public policy development.

I have grave concerns for my son’s welfare and seek to protect him through legal, medical and political means. I am supported by both male and female victims of Domestic Violence and it seems through recent advertising, the Queensland Government.

A temporary protection order was brought against me by police and granted as a result of my ex-wife slamming the door in my face as I tried to enter my home and denying me entry. I pushed the door open again. This was observed by a concerned parent who assumed my ex-wife was a victim of my domestic violence and encouraged her to call police. The alienation of my relationship with my son was partial until the involvement of your officers in this action. It is now largely complete.

Contrary to statements by my ex-wife presented by the police in court that I am an alcoholic, since the temporary protection order against me was imposed on 16 October 2018, I have drunk no alcohol in Brisbane or around my son, except for publicly taking communion at church with him on Sunday morning. I spend over 5 days per week with my son in my Brisbane home.

My ex-wife did a great job garnering sympathy, crying in court and being “protected” by police, but that evening lay in the same bed as myself and my son while putting him to sleep, and proceeded to continue to do so on many subsequent occasions. I suggest that my ex-wife’s “fear” occurs only when it is useful to continue her attacks against my son and I.

My ex-wife has exploited the temporary protection order by responding to legitimate parental concerns I express or objections to her abuse by discontinuing any conversation with a reminder that I “must keep the peace”. This completes the destruction of my parental authority and undermines my ability to protect myself and my son.

At this point in the destruction of their life and parental relationships through domestic violence and parental alienation, many men must have surely lost their patience with the legal system and unwisely physically lashed out at the perpetrator. Many others have surely ended their life out of desperation at the lack of their ability to protect themselves or their family.

I have demonstrated through the evidence I have provided that I will do none of these things but rather pursue the protection of myself and my son through taking legal measures to hold all perpetrators to account and seek remedy for myself and others.

I am taking action on behalf of men who in the past and in the future have less courage, training, awareness, maturity, self-control and are desperate to resolve the situation through violence towards themselves or others.

Your officers have, on a number of occasions, been called by my ex-wife to my home after she claimed she was a victim of domestic violence by me. These claims come as the culmination of around six years of threats by my ex-wife to call the police whenever I did not comply with her wishes.

During many of my interactions with officers from your station I have found the treatment of my ex-wife to be very different to the treatment of me. I presume this is because she is female, initiated the call, claimed to be the victim, cried and distorted the truth and was believed by your officers.

The actual truth is subtle and difficult to state in one or two sentences in the context of a high-pressure environment, a crying woman claiming to be a victim comforted by police and when I am confronted by an officer demanding an answer and assuming that I am a potentially violent offender who has harmed a victim who called the police.

Notwithstanding this, I do empathize with the difficulty police officers must have walking the line between exercising understanding and reassurance to victims and displaying authority and forcefulness necessary to calm violent perpetrators.

At the time your officer mentioned considering bringing a police temporary protection order against me, on 15 October 2018, I intimated that such an order would only serve to reduce my ability to parent and protect my son and would be used to perpetuate the alienation of my relationship with my son, since I am not, at least by comparison, domestically violent.

The reason for the police action against me is that my response to my ex-wife slamming the door in my face and denying me entry to my home was to demand entry and push it open again with lesser force while she opposed and pushed back from the other side of the door. This was observed by a concerned parent who assumed my ex-wife was a victim of my domestic violence, told me I was being domestically violent and encouraged my ex-wife to call police. This “witness” stated that she observed the event, however she did not observe what happened behind the solid door because she was standing outside at the time and only thereafter proceeded to comfort my ex-wife.

I played my audio recording of the event to your officer, but after a brief hearing of an irrelevant part, he lost interest. My offer of the entire recording and all other evidence of the event was not accepted. After issuing me with the police protection order I asked for advice how I could effectively parent my son or do anything other than comply with the demands of my ex-wife. My question was ridiculed by your officer as he explained domestic violence. The interaction was recorded.

After my claim that I was the victim of domestic violence, the officer offered me a police referral to support services. – No such referral was made. When my ex-wife was taken to the police station to report her allegation of domestic violence by me, I drove my unregistered and uninsured vehicle to the police station to offer myself for police questioning. The first official action, rather than investigate any allegations of violent physical domestic violence was to issue me with fines.

I was offered a permit to drive my unregistered and uninsured vehicle the short distance home from the station car park but was instead dismissed without one. Due to the financial abuse by my ex-wife towards me and her refusal to lend me money, I could not afford to call a tow truck to transport my vehicle the three or four blocks to my home. I returned and approached the front desk, asked for a permit and was asked to wait. Upon emerging, the officer appeared to be infuriated that I would ask for a driving permit. He verbally abused me for resting my feet on another seat at the station and aggressively demanded that I show respect, stating that the police station is not my private hotel. This interaction has all been recorded.

That vehicle is the only asset in my name and was transferred to me by my ex-wife prior to leaving Melbourne so that I would be forced to pay the expenses for it which I could not afford, borrowing from my parents to do so. Due to my lack of money, I no longer use it and have borrowed a vehicle from my parents. I obviously was unaware it was unregistered as no moderately intelligent person would knowingly voluntarily drive themselves in it to a police station, park it in a police car park and present themselves to police for an interview in response to accusations that he was domestically violent.

A few days ago, on the morning of Thursday, 15 November 2018 I had an extensive call to child safety lasting 47 minutes where I expressed my high levels of concern at the safety of my son with his mother. I communicated to them my safety plan for myself and my son. This involves the forcible removal, if necessary, of my son from his mother and staying with family while simultaneously informing both child safety and police of his and my safety, our location and providing any necessary details to verify it.

This safety plan was developed during an appointment with a worker I made at the XXXXXXXXXXX Centre Against Domestic Abuse and remains my safety plan, even given the temporary protection order brought by your officer that I “must not commit domestic violence”. This safety plan has already been communicated to child safety and police.

On the evening of Thursday, 15 November 2018, I had been subject to such a degree of abuse and accusation, overheard and recorded such abuses of my son, and photographed such a quantity of alcohol consumed by my ex-wife that, given her state of mind and level of anxiety, I became extremely concerned for the safety of my son. After my ex-wife refused to discuss parenting matters and prevented my interaction or participation in parenting my son and then proceeded to lock herself and our son into her room while explaining to him that she is keeping him safe from me, I called the police on 000.

In the following minutes I walked onto the street to defuse the situation and waited, calling 000 twice more expressing additional concerns including that she has traditionally kept a rudimentary weapon beside her bed in the room and providing updates on the situation.

I did this at great personal risk to myself and my future ability to protect and parent my son because of the existing temporary protection order brought by your officers and in place against me. For the protection of myself and my son, I am making audio recordings. The importance of these is clearly apparent and, I suggest, is not me being domestically violent. Notwithstanding the distaste by the courts and the police for audio recordings by individuals, the truth and evidence of the truth is one of very few means I have to protect myself and my son and present evidence to the courts to seek justice.

The first occasion your officers attended my home was on 14 September 2018 responding to a call from my ex-wife. She called after an extensive period of denying me access to money. Based on her decision that she would move with my son to Brisbane, she had coerced my relocation from Melbourne where I was able to earn an income. Upon my relocation in December 2017 for the protection of my son and in his best interests, my income ceased. Since that time, I had been living on savings, but those savings were at that point exhausted. My ex-wife had demanded that I leave the family home, however I had no means to do so and was committed to remaining to be a protective influence for my son and to maintain my relationship with him. After multiple verbal demands followed by a written demand that I move out of the family home, a written threat from her lawyer was made that she would initiate an application for a DVO against me to legally force my removal from our home. My ex-wife then lodged a private application for a DVO to remove me from the family home. Two hearings in the XXXXXXXXX magistrates court by two different magistrates did not see sufficient grounds to either remove me from my home nor grant any interim orders prior to adjournment.

I have very good reason to believe that her desire to remove me from the family home is to undermine my relationship with my son and to obtain a financial and parenting advantage in property settlement negotiations by enabling her to maintain her existing control of the property which is legally in her sole name. Almost all shared assets and income are in her name and controlled by her. Although I had no money to defend against the false allegations in court, I was able to borrow some money from my parents to do so. This is the point where, after having repeatedly asked for access to money earned by my ex-wife and having been denied funds, I decided to put a sign up across the road on the school fence. My ex-wife took down the sign, called her lawyer, recorded herself telling me what I could not sell, that I could not have a garage sale in certain areas and I could not put a sign on the school fence. While I acknowledge that putting a sign on the school fence is probably in breach of the school rules and XXXXXXXXX Council advertising guidelines, I concluded that it was not the responsibility of my ex-wife to dictate every aspect of my life nor enforce rules on behalf of the XXXXXXXX Council or the school. As a result of frustration at having almost every aspect of my life controlled with little power in any area to change the situation, I replaced the sign on the school fence while my ex-wife made a call to the police.

Your officers attended. After being initially told by one of your officers that he was thinking of asking me to leave my home, I explained that I would be homeless if he did so. What I did not explain was that my presence was necessary for the safety of my son and to maintain my relationship with him. I decided not to explain this due to the aggressive and accusatory manner of the officer. I recorded all my interactions with the officer for my own safety and protection. These recordings can be provided to you if you request them, however my understanding is that you have your own independent recordings of the event. The officer who spoke to me sought advice from someone more senior for a decision and then returned and told me he would not ask me to leave my home.

The outcome of your officer’s involvement was no official action, but a very real awareness on my part that the record of your officers’ attendance will be exaggerated, taken out of context and used as evidence against me in the existing private application by my ex-wife to remove me from my home, rendering me homeless with no money, assets, income and without the ability to maintain a protective relationship with my son. This was precisely what occurred. I am now aware raising funds to defend against my ex-wife’s false allegations in her application for a DVO by selling property I owned was ill-advised. I consequently reverted to begging my ex-wife and friends and family to support me financially as I worked on my relationship with my son and sought to legally protect myself and my son.

The second occasion your officers attended my home was on 29th September 2018 responding to a call from my ex-wife. She called after a discussion about my ex-wife preventing me from eating food because I had run out of money and she would not lend me any without unreasonable conditions. She subsequently moderated her demands to what is shown in the transcript of the recording below. This transcript also shows my ex-wife, when presented with evidence of her abuse, seeking to discontinue conversation and claim she is doing so either for the welfare of our son or by claiming that she has suddenly started to feel that I am violent and dangerous and am intimidating her and engaging in domestic violence towards her.

My ex-wife called for police as a result of my objecting to her refusal to lend me money and her manipulation of our son by suggesting to him that he was afraid of me. She has for many years used the threat of calling the police as a way to end discussions where I disagree with her or object to her abuse of myself or my son.

She called police in front of our son, claimed within his hearing that she was afraid of me and being intimidated by me and I was being aggressive towards both her and our son. She has repeated this claim over many years and I believe has genuinely convinced herself that accountability for her abuse is equivalent to her being intimidated by me and is therefore me being violent towards her. During the wait out the front of the house with myself, my ex-wife and our son, my ex-wife sat with my son and spoke with him privately while cuddling him protectively and reassured him of his safety from me.

I contend that the audio recordings of the entire event strongly suggest police were called because I was objecting to her actions of financial and emotional domestic violence and her child abuse by seeking to alienate my relationship with my son by instilling fear in him.

When I asked my son if he was afraid of me, he said yes, which I was at the time quite surprised by. When your officers arrived, I went out the front to meet them on the footpath, informed them that I was recording the conversation, and explained the situation from my perspective. After some time, the situation was defused, and no action was taken. I was provided with my second referral by police to domestic violence support services. The first being a police referral to Legal Aid Queensland which arrived via SMS on 20 June 2018 at 20:17 in response to an enquiry I made at your station.

This police referral was to Relationships Australia which arrived via SMS on Saturday 29 September 2018 at 21:45. It was followed up by Relationships Australia by SMS on Monday 01 October 2018 at 08:38. A subsequent call from them informed me that they did not have any support services for male victims of domestic violence as no funding was available. They referred me to the Family Relationships Advice Line. Upon subsequently speaking to them, Family Relationships Advice Line sent me an email on Tuesday, 02 October 2018 at 15:12 referring me to Mensline, Family and Child Connect and Act for Kids. I had already contacted Mensline in the past and had little faith that the other services would be useful to me as a male victim of domestic violence or to my son. On Thursday, 15 November 2018 I called Family and Child Connect and was told they were an agency that provides referrals to other services. I have not yet prioritised contacting Act for Kids.

The third occasion my ex-wife contacted police was as a result of her slamming the door in my face and denying me entry to my home. I pushed the door open again. This was observed by a concerned parent who assumed my ex-wife was a victim of my domestic violence and encouraged her to call police. The “witness” stated that she observed the event, however she did not observe what happened behind the solid door because she was standing outside at the time.

My audio recording of the event demonstrates exactly what happened, in what order and what was said by who. It is available as evidence and has already been rejected by your officer who brought the temporary protection order against me. Police subsequently sought to make me homeless and unable to protect my son through the request for an ouster order.

The ouster order, surprisingly, has not been granted over three hearings before two separate magistrates, the last being the action by police. This decision by both magistrates is the only reason I am able to maintain any type of in-person daily interaction with my son and my presence is his only protection from child abuse.

This letter could go on forever, however I will summarise my statements below.

• Your officers are making assumptions that women can only be victims of domestic violence.
• Your officers and the police legal team are being manipulated to assist domestic violence and child abuse.
• I am the only parent seeking to protect my son from this situation and the only one supporting psychology for him.
• I have expressed my concerns about child abuse to child safety, his school and his child psychologist.
• I am arranging a forensic child psychologist for my son to discover and document parental alienation for the court.
• Large volumes of evidence supporting my claim exist and has been and continue to be offered to the police.
• I am confident that with or without police cooperation, the perpetrator will be revealed and held to account.
• I am confident that the court process will eventually ensure that I am the sole protective carer of my son.
• I am confident that the court process and medical professionals will find my ex-wife to be a child abuser.
• It would undermine the public confidence in police if they are found to have supported a perpetrator of abuse.
• Many others are aware of this situation and I will seek to have all communication published for the public record.
• Should any harm come to my son or I, any resulting investigation will reveal all of my claims to be true.

I request the following actions be taken by police.

• Freedom of Information Request for all records related to my family.
• Allocation of police resources to investigate the actual truth of the case against me.
• Suspension of police legal action pursuing domestic violence orders against me.
• Charges of assault brought against my ex-wife for violently slamming the door in my face.
• Charges of perjury for any and all false statements made by my ex-wife.
• Involuntary psychiatric assessment of my ex-wife for a serious and as yet undiagnosed mental illness.
• Commencement of police legal action for domestic violence orders with ouster condition against my ex-wife.
• An internal police education campaign for all of your officers to overcome bias and assumptions around DV.
• A written letter of apology from every officer who has acted aggressively or in a biased manner towards me.
• Immediate arrangement of therapeutic and protective support services for myself and my son.
• Make a payment to my GoFundMe page https://www.gofundme.com/domestic-violence-full-stop/

I request the following actions be taken by the Queensland Police as a whole.

• An internal police education campaign for all of your officers to overcome bias and assumptions around DV.
• Ensure every party regardless of gender claiming to be a DV victim is given a police referral to support services.

I request the following actions be taken by the Queensland Government as a whole.

• Continue the excellent work removing gender bias and assumptions in all government domestic violence services.
• Fund support services for male victims of any sort of domestic violence.
• Fund “Female Behaviour Change” programs so the courts can require the participation of female perpetrators.
• Enforce the crime of perjury in the Magistrates courts and publicise actions through the media.
• Establish an inquiry investigating gender bias, under-resourcing and gender assumptions in Domestic Violence.
• Make a payment to my GoFundMe page https://www.gofundme.com/domestic-violence-full-stop/
• Support myself and other male victims financially so my fundraising for protection and justice is totally unnecessary.

Most Sincerely,

XXXXXXXXXXXXX